Why happiness is hard to find

In "The best place to work", Ron Friedman has explained why its so difficult to find happiness.

We think of happiness as something that is missing and we go out in search of it. Sometimes we find it. But we're unable to hold on to it as it slips through our fingers.

One of the most distressing facts about human nature is that we are not particularly good at staying happy. Positive emotions wear off. Whether we've earned a promotion, landed an new client, or moved to the corner office, with time we tend to return to our happiness baseline.

And the process doesn't take very long either. Lottery winners and accident victims who lose their legs feel just as happy 1 year later after the incident.
Ron says we're thinking about happiness the wrong way.

Our brains are programmed to adapt to our circumstances, and for good reason. Too happy and we'd lack any ambition ; too sad and we'd never leave our beds.

To some, learning about the existence of a happiness baseline can feel incredibly liberating. It means that no matter how badly your screw up your next project, inevitably your disappointment will wear off and you'll return to your happiness set point. So why not take some risks? After all, you're working with an emotional safety net.

To others, it can seem downright depressing. If happiness is fleeting, what's the point of even trying? It's the reason some researchers have equated the human condition to a "happiness treadmill". We struggle as hard as we can, only to remain stuck in the same emotional place.

But you can delay the adaptation to your happiness baseline. Here's how:

Frequency is more important than Size

Every positive experience takes some getting used to. And the more positive events we have, the longer it takes us to return to baseline. Which leads us to our first happiness insight: Small, frequent pleasures can keep us happy longer than large, infrequent ones. So going out to a regular restaurant every Friday is a wiser happiness promoting strategy than dining at a 5 star every month.

Variety prevents Adaptation

Because our brains are programmed to habituate quickly to our circumstances, we tend to tune out events that happen repeatedly, no matter how positive. Our minds slip into autopilot when our environment is predictable, conserving mental energy for when changes occur. So the more we do the same enjoyable things, the less attention we pay them. Sometimes in order to continue enjoying something we love, we need for it to temporarily disappear.

We need new experiences to keep us emotionally engaged. That is one reason travelling can feel so rewarding. When we go away, we break the routine of everyday life. Not having access to your home, your bed, your favourite sofa corner might hardly be noticeable when you're travelling. But when you return, you suddenly have a new found appreciation for the little things that contribute to your comfort. 

 Unexpected pleasures deliver a Bigger thrill

When something surprising happens, our brains automatically pay closer attention, lending unexpected events greater emotional weight. We're motivated to make sense of events we haven't predicted and devote more mental energy to thinking about them after they occur. In this way, surprises provide an emotional exclamation point, enhancing the impact of any event - good or bad. 

One reason the start of a romantic relationship is so alluring is that every encounter reveals something new about your partner. The constant flow of surprises keeps us engaged. But with time you get to know your partner. That's why you need to keep trying out new activities together.

Experiences are more rewarding than Objects 

A whole week trek through the mountains tends to provide a greater happiness boost than spending a comparable amount on a new TV. Why is this the case? For one thing, it's because experiences tend to involve other people, and being in the company of others elevates our happiness. Experiences also expose us to new ideas and surroundings, growing our intellectual curiosity and expanding our horizons. Materials objects, on the other hand, are often used in private, when we're away from friends and family, and rarely entail novel adventures.

Unlike material objects, experiences tend to improve with age. Think back to a vacation you've taken in the bast. Did you have a good time? Research shows we remember events more positively the further they are in our rear view mirror. But that overpriced watch buried in your dresser? It suffered a few scratches and no longer seems quite as chic as the day you bought it.

We don't always know Why we're happy

Our environment often has a powerful impact on our behaviour. Our minds absorb an enormous amount of information about our surroundings. And much of this happens outside of our conscious awareness.

One feature of our environment that we rarely pay attention to is scent. Research shows that when we're exposed to positive scents - as we are standing outside a cafe or bakery, we tend to become happier and we don't know why. Interestingly , the change in mood often affects our behaviour. We become more helpful, less competitive, and show greater generosity.

Music can also life our mood unconsciously. Our heart rates tend to sync to the sounds we hear, which is why fast beats can send our pulses racing while slow songs can help us relax.  

A Grateful mind is a happy one 

 Training ourselves to be grateful is a lot harder than it sounds. In many ways, we're implicitly encouraged to tune out the positive when we're working. Much of our day is consumed with thinking about future deadlines and tasks we have yet to accomplish. This process can take a toll. Over time a continuous focus on what's missing trains our minds to center on the negative.

It's rare that we pause to savour what we've achieved. The moment one grueling project ends, the next one begins. By taking a moment to direct our attention to the things that are going right, we enhance our enjoyment and stave off the process of adaptation. Gratitude helps us appreciate positive events when they happen, making them last longer. We restore a balance to our thinking that elevates our moods and prevents negative emotions like resentment, envy, and regret from creeping in.

Psychologists  have found that simply asking people to identify specific aspects of their lives for which they are thankful alters their perspectives in powerful ways. When we build appreciation for our current circumstances, we feel happier about the present and more optimistic about the future, which improves the quality of our work. Grateful people also recover from stress more quickly and behave more generously toward those around them.

The Dark side of happiness 

 When we're completely consumed with trying to be happy all the time, we overlook the value of unhappy emotions, such as anger, embarrassment, and shame. Theose experiences may not feel very pleasant when they're happening, but they exist for a reason. Negative emotions help direct our attention to the elements of our environment that require a response. Artificially blunting negative emotions prevents us from acknowledging errors and adaption our behaviours. Feeling sad is a social signal to those around us that we need help. Feeling guilty motivates us to repair something damaging that we've done to hurt a relationship. Feeling embarrassment tells us we've committed a social infraction and pushes us to make amends.  

Another downside to excessive happiness is an increased tendency for making mistakes. When we're happy, we grow confident, which at times can lead us to overestimate our abilities and ignore potential dangers. We can become more trusting, less critical, and occasionally unrealistic.

A research on "The Optimal Level of Well-being" found out that extremely happy people reported better relationships and more community involvement, but surprisingly, they also lagged in income and education. Who collected the biggest paychecks and earned the highest academic degrees? That distinction belonged to those who were slightly disssatisfied. 

Because these rules are correlational, we can't say for sure whether dissatisfaction causes higher levels of achievement per se. One hypothesis is that if you're too content, then you don't strive too hard to improve your situation.

So try to be happy, but try to not be too content.